Vertically Challenged

Even within the Middle Schools, which are designed for the smaller of the student body, it seems that things, (necessary, important, vital things) are always just out of reach, well, ... for me at least. Being vertically challenged, and a teacher, makes life just a little bit more difficult; however, a million times more entertaining for the students.

Have you ever walked in and found your teacher spinning helplessly out of control on a computer chair?  Or, attempting to scale the door to prop open the joint?  Well I not only have witnessed these terrifying, and yet entertaining acts, but have lived them myself. 

Here are a list of the top 4 difficulties, we "little ones" face, while attempting to educate the future leaders of the world. 



1) Boards of any kind (Chalk, White, Whatever) used for instruction.
    
First of all, I understand the need to place the board at a height that is reasonable for all students to see.  However, when you place the board at roughly 4-6.5 feet high, it becomes more of an obstacle, than a useful piece of equipment.  For example, when attempting to write the homework, class work, and then finally, my name on the board, I was forced to stand on a swivel chair.  What your one cup of coffee, 7 am brain does not register is that the swivel chair has holes in it.  Yes holes.  Holes that will devour your heel on your ankle boot, that you must wear to reach the lower half of the board.  This will then cause you to get stuck in the chair, and when attempting to yank your heel out of the cunning holes, you will begin to swivel off into the oblivion.

Danger level (out of 5) 3.5
Humiliation rate: 4


2) Doorstops (Hinges)

This PIA was not something I encountered, until I started spending copious amounts of time in different schools.  Apparently the way to hold open some (75%) classroom doors is to place a pin, or in this case writing utensil, such as a pen, in the holes of the door hinge.  Now, this works fantastically well, and seems quite simple, yet the door hinge is located at the top, T O P of the door.  Ah, of course.  So, for one to be able to securely place the pin in the hinge, you must build a step, find a secure chair, or a tall child.  This process can be time consuming, and treacherous to fingertips. Also while attempting to build said step/stand on chair, you are also blocking the doorway, where the sweet little children, simply plow you down to enter anyway.

Danger level 4.5
Humiliation rate 3



3) Windows

General FYI children are warm, smelly creatures.  When you stay in one room all day long and hordes of them come, and go according to the time, the temperature of the room needs constant adjusting.  Therefore opening the windows is a must.  Yet, when the latch to the window is located above the industrial size window, you have to kneel on the counter to achieve success.  This causes issues with project storage, desk arrangement, and general decency if you are wearing a skirt.

Danger level 2.5
Humiliation rate 4.5


4) The Halls

Being of smaller stature you are less likely to be seen.  This becomes an issue when wrestling your way through the overcrowded halls of high schools.  You may be stepped on, shoved, or "mistakenly" knocked into. As the student body must move in an unaware rush toward their lockers to replace books, put on way, WAY too much perfume/cologne, and make out with their significant others.  Also since texting, music, and otherwise distracting items are allowed, students become less aware of their surrounds, and will trample you underfoot.  Best advice is to get behind a larger student, and use him/her like a battering ram.

Danger level 5
Humiliation rate 2

   

I'll Get You My Pretty, and Your Little Friend Too.

Today's post is inspired by the unknowing 8th grader who graced my presence this week, and asked,

"Are you the one with the evil stare?"

Evil stare huh?  I had not thought of it like that before, sure I can look irritated, frustrated, and caffeine craving, however, evil stare had a whole new connotation.  Even though, at the moment I was slightly hurt that my facial features, at times, depict evil, a realization dawned on me, this ability has been, vitally helpful in my teaching career.


Evil Stare characteristics:

1) Glasses, one must wear glasses, of which to peer over to evil-ly stare at misbehaving children.

2) Slight eye squint, possibly due to the fact that you are attempting to peer over your glasses, without moving them, however this also adds to the drama. 

3) Contracted mouth, to hold back the many, many things you would like to say to the misbehaving children.

4) Utter stillness, it freaks them out. 

5) A concentrated stare, that says you, yes you, are making me insane, knock it off.


Reasons for evil stare:

1) Identifying one trouble maker, acting like a Jack A** for the amusement of his/her peers, and quickly, terrifying him/her into submission.

2) Questioning who was blind enough to let their child out of the house wearing, a mini skirt and tube top, with micro jacket, in the 8th grade.

3) Catching the hints of an inappropriate conversation, and squashing it with a moment's notice.

4) Indicating that it is 7:15 am, I have had one sip of coffee, and your crazed, 13 year old wildness, in homeroom, where as you lurched off the bus, as if it were going to devour you, is not what I was looking forward to.

5) Lastly, and most importantly, to indicate to said student, like big brother, and Santa, I AM WATCHING YOU.


Effects of evil stare:

1) Instantaneous silence
2) Rapid confusion
3) Attention away from problem and on you
4) Nervousness
5) Apologetic looks
6) Sudden selfishness, in an effort to throw the closest person to them under the bus
7) Prolonged worry that the evil stare might reoccur
8) A wondrous return to order


So friends, if you don't mind looking "evil" every now and then, get yourself to the nearest glasses store, pick up an especially evil looking pair, squint your eyes, and hold your tongue, ... and you too will be able to restore order to your kingdom.

Heartbreak Hits Home

(Just for today we are going to take a break from the norm, sass-humor, and get a little heavy.)

School shootings are a tragedy, which seem to be recurring across the U.S. at an outstanding rate.  Students/children, are gaining access to fatal firearms, and wielding them without regrets.  In the wake of yesterdays Ohio tragedy, where 2 students were killed, and 3 were injured, when a 17 year old boy opened fire in a cafeteria, I feel it vital, as an educator to address the topic.

Since 1999 there have been more than 280 students killed in school associated violent deaths; fifty percent of which have occurred in the months, of February, March and April, (schoolsecurity.org). Children are taking their own, and others lives, due to bullying, personal pressures, mental illness and many, many other factors. While in reality, the amount of school related violent deaths have decreased in the past 10 years, (infoplease.com). The concentrated media coverage has intensified every recent act of violence.  Thus our students of today, are not only submitted to these constant tragedies, but immersed within them.

During a class discussion today, on the Ohio shooting in comparison to Columbine, a student asked, “Why would we let psycho kids in school?” The student was referring to the statement made, that the shooter in the Columbine massacre, was found to be mentally unstable. The discussion then moved on to whose responsibility it was to notice, that this boy, and the many others like him, were suffering from some sort of inadequacies.  At first the students immediately blamed the family, noting that they “should have known, or seen something,” but yet, after some thought, they also named friends, and teachers, as responsible parties.  One student commented that “after all it is you guys (teachers) who see us constantly, sometimes more than our families, during the week.” As the tension rose, and the students became more heated within their discussions, we had a sudden break, a sudden answer that seemed plausible,

“Sometimes we just suffer in silence.  Everyone seems to busy, to deal with our issues, so we just deal with them ourselves.”

Could it be that we as a nation, of responsible adults, charged with the care and upbringing of children, are TOO BUSY, to notice a critical cry for help?

If that is the case, then maybe it is time to slow down and look around, for the sake of our children.

Sources:

http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0777958.html

http://www.schoolsecurity.org/trends/school_violence.html

Sacrificial Lamb

Lesson plans, are the life blood for subbing. They inform us of what classes we have, when we have them, and oh yeah, what the heck to do with them.  However, not all lesson plans are created equal.  I have seen the OCD planner, who has left multiple pages of plans, which dictate down to the minute teaching, and phrases.  And also, the slightly less concerned plans, where you are lucky if they mention every class that they teach, let alone when and where.  Thus, the plans themselves are of the utmost importance.  Here are a few of the "best of" plans I have ever seen.

 

1) The Minimalist.

     Upon entering the classroom I see a stack of packets, that have an attached sticky note, (STICKY NOTE) which states, (in colored pen) "Do this packet, BACK UP PLAN, show this movie." Uh really? Not I have five classes, at these times, and I would like you to try and do these packets, and then a marked up packet, but rather a sticky note, and a half with a backup plan.  Also, the inclusion of the backup plan, makes me think that maybe, just maybe, more precise plans might have been ideal.

RATING 2/10

 

2) The Forgetful.

    On this fateful day, I was given plans, which included instructions for 5 classes.  These instructions were roughly, a sentence and a half long. No big deal.  Thankfully, each class was reading the same book, and the plans simply indicated which page each class was on.  While, these plans seemed minimal, they were at the very least effective.  The troublesome part came during lunch time, when I was hunted down by a hound-like, science teacher, and sternly told that "YOU HAVE AN ADVISORY." Meaning in more gentle terms, there are 15 wild 7th graders in your room, jazzed up on chocolate milk, and lunch dunkers, ripping down the walls.  Upon calming said wildlings, I quickly pulled out my trusty sub plans, (all sentence and a half of them) and indicated to, the hound-like, stern talking science teacher that nowhere on my plans was there a mention of an advisory.  "Oh ... ... ... (it seemed maybe I had stumped the stern talking science teacher) I guess she forgot." Ah yes, she forgot, FORGOT, to add any mention of an entire class.  NO BIG DEAL. 

RATING 4/10

3) The Confident.

    The confident, could probably be the most bipolar of lesson plans.  They generally leave some bare bones outline, of a fantastic lesson plan, and then expect you to fill in, (wing it) for the rest.  It is as if, they meant to leave you a great, meaningful lesson to teach, but either got bored, distracted, or changed their mind, and simply refused to finish the rest. For example, I once encountered a lesson plan for a 10th grade class, block schedule, (82 unyielding minutes) that instructed me to have the students write for 40 minutes, "about spring, or rain, or something." Upon reading this, bursting out laughing, and questioning the sanity of this teacher, I thought, she does remember they are 16 years old right? "Spring, or rain, or something?"  FOR 40 MINUTES, why don't I just roll around in raw meat, and sacrifice myself to the wolves, because that is what these plans will do for me. Luckily, the think on your feet, or die, instinct kicked in, and I was able to impromptu a lesson, of which, the students not only enjoyed, but were able to write about for 40 minutes. 

RATING 3/10

   





    

From the Mouths of Babes.

It seems that as we grow older, we learn to develop a verbal filter.  This filter catches, inappropriate words, thoughts, and otherwise awkward moments.  However, during our trying school years, this filter has not quite developed.  Thus, we are left with the unfiltered, diarrhea of the mouth syndrome.  While this can be seen, as difficult, and by teenage standards, life altering, it allows for some very entertaining one liners. 

UNFILTERED

9th grade girl,

    "Is Canada a city?"


8th grade boy,

    "It's just that you look so young, for an old person."


11th grade boy,

    "So are you like, done growing?"


12th grade girl

     "But if we make people take an intelligence test before having children, then there won't be any pretty people left in the world!"


12th grade boy

    "I am never going to use this English bull sh*t. I am going to be a welder, and welders don't need to know how to read and write, and sh*t."


11th grade boy,

    "Yo I am kinda high right now, so could you take it easy on me today?"


10th grade girl,

    "You actually expected me to read the book?"


 8th grade boy,

     "Your ass looks great in that skirt today."


7th grade boy,

    "What are you like 18? Or 30 or something?"


12th grade boy

    "Shakespeare was a douche bag."

This is a Flipping Corn Field

Welcome all!

 I have chosen to create my first, ever, (yes I am a virgin blogger) post on the essentials necessary for a substitute teacher. I have encountered many uncommon situations, of which, as a battle hardened substitute teacher, I have fought proudly, and lived through, due to these few essentials.

1) An ACCURATE, non-irritating GPS.

  

     When traveling to multiple school districts, across the face of upstate NY, one must be armed with an accurate, updated, non-irritating GPS.  If you are not equipped with one of these, and have what we will call, the "older version," you will end up in a corn field, cursing at a tiny, electrical, talking box, shouting "RECALCULATING," at 7 am.  Also because those who pass you cannot see that you are speaking sternly to your, malfunctioning electronic equipment, they will think you are yelling/crying at/by yourself and drive very wide around you.  

2) A leak proof, tip proof, thermos, which can hold at least 6-8 cups of coffee.

 

    Brace yourselves folks, many, many schools do not have an appropriate amount of clean, functioning, coffee pots, residing within their walls. And, if said school does have a working, visible coffee pot, many faculty members are not inclined to share with the visiting substitute.  (Apparently they missed the "sharing is caring" lesson in 1st grade.) Therefore, one must bring their own coffee supply.  In considering thermoses, remember that you will be there ALL DAY, with noisy, sometimes smelly, very excitable children, so be sure to  take into consideration the cardinal rule, SIZE MATTERS. If you are to ever forget, your life line/thermos, find a free block/period (whatever) and run like the wind, to the nearest Dunkin Donuts.

 3) A Great Pair of Shoes.

   Now some of you may think, "how could fabulous foot wear possibly, ever, be an essential when teaching?" Well I am here to inform you that these super shoes, are multi-functional pieces, you cannot live, let alone attempt to teach, without. First of all, nice, noticeable shoes can distract the students’ attention to you.  The catty girls, who are attempting to hide their texting, and ta tas, (which are always hanging out) will be so incredibly distracted, by your fantastic foot wear decisions, that they will completely forget their phones, and, wait for it, PAY ATTENTION, even if it is just for a moment.  Also, principals, secretaries, and all other important folk, when it comes to hiring, may never remember all the names of subs, that grace their presence, but they will remember the sub with the 5 inch sparkly shoes. Lastly, if all else fails, and a catastrophe occurs, you can click your heels together, and repeat, "There is no place like home."